Letter to a business man

Dear Anonymous Business man,
Thank you. Thank you for taking twenty minutes in the bathroom this morning. As you come out with an open laptop, open briefcase, on your cellphone, and drinking a cup of coffee, I realize that the bathroom had briefly become your workstation. I commend you for being able to juggle all of those activities at once, keeping me waiting for 20 minutes, and still being unable to wash your hands; forcing me to open the inside door handle with a paper towel to avoid germ transfer.
Despite all of the aforementioned facts, god bless you, anonymous business man. In the twenty minutes that you were in the restroom, you managed to avoid doing three things that have become vital to my bathroom experience, post somebody's shit.
You managed to not stink up the place. Thank you for not eating disgusting food that I had to smell. That is fairly minor, but still. Thank you. It makes my restroom experience slightly more bearable after your fact.
You also managed to accomplish the amazing feat of warming up the toilet seat, and staying in the bathroom for just enough time to let it cool to a nice room temperature. I was not disgusted by your ass-warmth left on the seat, yet I was not cold upon planting myself down. Thank you. I appreciate this one the most out of all of the post-shit checklist.
Last, but definitely not least, for fucks sake, thank you for not pissing on the seat and leaving it to me to wipe up. Thank you.
Despite the 20 minute workstation atrocity you committed this morning in lieu of myself having to use the restroom, for those 3 things you did (or avoided doing, I suppose,) thank you. God bless you, lukewarm piss free seat leaving business man, god bless you!