There is a certain point where you throw your hands up and completely remove yourself from a situation. Congratulations, I have reached my breaking point.

4:05

So I've started doing something that I'd never thought I'd do.

I have a journal.
It's big and black, and the pages are not lined. I guess its a sketchbook.
I have three or four pens that I keep in my backpack. A black one, a green one, a maroon one, and a ballpoint pen. I prefer to use the ballpoint pen.

I find writing in this journal strangely soothing, and doing this may be one of the reasons that I don't write in my interblags as frequently. I don't think anybody gives much of a shit, but that's ok.
It's considerably more personal to write in something that I and only I will be reading, although most of it is jumbled, and my handwriting is so poor that I can't read most of what I write, which brings me to my next point.

Tomorrow, I buy a typewriter.
Word.


Here is a typewriter.



On another note, getting yelled at and hit in the face and repeatedly punched is definitely not the way to my heart. Please do not repeat.

Spewpewpew Part Two

The strangest feeling is receiving a paycheck for two weeks worth of something that you can't really consider work.

I had to stare at it for a solid twenty minutes to really figure it out, but working at coffee is grand.

Now, there have been three new additions to the arsenal of things I always have with me.
Along with the former black lighter and 2 euro coin, I now always have with me:
A box of band-aids (usually lasts 2-3 days)
A big black notebook (will probably last 2-3 months)
and a tube of 'JB Kwik' for instant welding (probably won't last very long at all)


Now back to original spewing, and the idea of reaction.
There are three (extremely) general reactions one can have to a situation.

If I clump the entire spectrum of reaction into three categories that can define a circumstance, I have negative, neutral, and positive.
Negative is of course the least beneficial, although negative is a relative term to whoever is reacting to a given circumstance. A negative reaction turns a circumstance or set of given actions into an actual problem. The way I see it, any event can be molded into a problem or not based on the way it is reacted to. Negative reactions instantly turn it into a problem.

A neutral reaction, or no reaction at all, and that just leaves the outcome to all others involved. It can go either way.

A positive reaction generally strips the circumstance of becoming a problem. That's the hard part though, turning any given problem into a positive things. Shit can hit the fan and it's not quite as simple as controlling the way you feel about things, I suppose.

I don't really know where I'm going with this episode of finger to button induced diarrhea, but I suppose I'm trying to say that nothing is a problem until one (I) turns it into such.
Like I said, it's all finger to button induced diarrhea, but that's ok.

The first thing I spoke out loud this morning was "I'm completely naked. That is awesome."

I just thought you should know.

Spewpewpew

So through recent conversations with many random people, I have come to a few conclusions.

Imagine going to a junkyard and removing three thousand random gears from random vehicles.
Then you throw them into a pile.
They magically all fit together exactly as you threw them in and start to turn.

That is just about how everything works. Reality is one, enormous accident, and one should live accordingly. Everything is the way it is due to chemical reactions, and everything continues to be just that. Human interaction can be broken down to chemical reactions, and still, everything is a giant accident and there is no control over any aspect of one's life. We live like this because single celled organisms evolved, an incredibly long time ago at that, and there is no greater scheme or 'master plan' for any of this. It all just happened to come out this way.

Accordingly, there is only one thing that anybody can really control about any situation, and that is how one reacts to given circumstances. The only thing you can truly control about your life is the way you react to the things that are thrown at you, not even necessarily what you do about them, but how you feel about them in that very moment and what your immediate reaction is. Given that, if one just attempts to control reactions and realize that everything will be good some day, that is the first step to being just fine with everything.

Just a thought.

I really like this picture.

As my situation gets worse and worse, my mood and demeanor are constantly improving, and I find I enjoy myself and my surroundings more and more every day.

Thoughts?